Conscience A Helen POV Primeval fanfic
by TheAnomalousOne
Summary: Series 3 ep 3 - Helen's thoughts as she faces the prospect of killing her husband, and dwells on her life and loves in general. Yeah, I know, sounds depressing, but hey, I had fun writing it! Rated T for safety.


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**Conscience - A Helen POV Primeval fanfic**

"I'm sorry, Nick. I can't let you go."

"What the hell are you talking about now-" he stopped, astonishment and something that looked like exasperation clouding his face as he saw the gun I was holding, before turning away in disgust. I heard, dimly, over the roar of the flames around us, Nick mutter something under his breath before he swivelled slowly to face me again.

"You really know how to pick your moments, don't you?" he called, his voice with a hard, angry edge. It was like one of our old arguments again, before I had left – excepting the fact that I had a gun levelled at his chest. Nick hadn't chosen to believe me and my theories back then, and had shut me out of his life. The wonders of prehistoric history, I had thought, how could anyone resist? I half dreamed, back then, that he would one day follow me and see what untamed beauty I had discovered. He would realise his mistakes, and love me again.

I thought I knew my husband, but I didn't. I had to wander, lonely, though I was too stubborn and bitter towards him to realise it.

When I found Nick again he was just how he had always been before, not seeming changed by my long absence or the knowledge that I had been right about the anomalies, as I had secretly, romantically, hoped. Still just as obstinate, still resisting the change and destruction I knew would come to his world. I made the offer of companionship again, though, as I realized in hindsight, I should have known he was too stupid to comprehend the mistake he was making.

He shunned me whenever we met after that, his bitter sarcasm burying that man that I had married all those years ago. He treated me like an enemy, so I treated the same, my suspicions growing about what kind of life he was leading now he had grown to hate me. My fears proved suspiciously true when I found out about that Claudia Brown, the home office girl that had never spoken anything besides Standard English. He had stood there, right in front of me, and kissed her. It felt like he had punched me, thrown the worst insults possible at me.

From that moment, I made sure that would be the last time he ever saw his precious Claudia Brown again.

In a way that I knew would never make him trust his closest friend the same way again, I exacted the final part of my revenge by humiliating Nick, in telling him all about my relationship with Stephen. Sweet, loyal Stephen, who had believed me almost to the last. Such an easy boy to manipulate, a trait that had cost him dear.

I kicked the lock on the door to the room in Leek's Bunker where the creatures prowled; I knew that one of us would have to die. I don't know why I did it, if I was honest with myself. I was bitter at both of the men, but I didn't stop to think if I really wanted one of them to die. But by the time I decided, it was too late. Stephen had already locked himself in that room, and there was nothing I could do about it. Through the portal in the heavy door, I saw his face as his last few seconds ticked down. It was the time in films when the person's life would flash before their eyes, and I knew that he would be seeing me, as little as he might want it. He didn't look scared or daunted by what he was doing, rather more an expression that showed his realization that what he did would save everyone else, including me.

Standing over his grave, I had promised him that things would change. And they had. My discovery that Nick's experiments would eventually destroy all life on Earth had made me change the way I thought about the world, had made me re-adjust my priorities. It was my conscience or a grisly fate for the world, so I knew that really, I had no choice.

I couldn't risk the world for a man who I wasn't sure still loved me, so that was what I told myself as I fought to keep my aim steady. I had never envisioned killing Nick, as I had thought he understood my aims, but now it was necessary, and I had to go through with it, whatever the cost. I quickly loaded the gun, hearing the satisfying click as the bullet destined for Professor Nick Cutter waited patiently to be fired.

"If you'd seen what I've seen, you'd understand. I'm sorry Nick. I wish there was another way." I called to him, trying to make him understand, but half trying to convince myself I could do this as well. He had to know that deep down, I didn't want to kill him, would have avoided it if I could. He had to know that deep down, I still loved him, even now after all this time. The thought made my eyes sting with tears, and I struggled to control them.

The crooked smile I had loved played around the edges of his mouth as he spoke his last words. "You know what, Helen? You're really not as smart I thought you were." the sentence confused me for a moment, before I pushed it to the back of my mind - I had more to do, I could think about it later. The second that followed was the longest in my life, as my finger hovered over the trigger of the gun. It seemed like the din of the burning building, the heat of the fire and the smoke all receded into the background as I met his eyes for the last time.

That half smile still wandered across his face, the fire lighting up his eyes; I had to try so hard not to lower the gun. But that was an impossibility now; the future of the planet was on a knife-edge, all because of some weak-minded woman. Nick had to die, dammit, he had to die! That anger pulsed down to my trigger finger, and I heard, as if detached, the blast from the gun as it was fired.

A single tear crept down my face as I watched my husband stagger from the blow, clutching a hand to his chest where red was blooming from the hole over his heart. He sank to his knees, then to the floor, and when he tried to look at me again, I couldn't bear it. More tears ran down my face as I started moving towards the corridor, and as I passed him, I managed to whisper, "I'm so sorry" to him. I heard him whisper pleadingly "Helen?" and for a moment I stopped where I was, torn between leaving and staying. Then I shook my head to myself in fierce resolution and walked out of the smoke to where my car was waiting.

When I was outside, I turned back to see the ARC blazing, smoke pluming high into the air. I blocked out the pain - I had no time for it now.

I turned on my heel, and my conscience lost the battle for dominance in my mind. I couldn't let people, or love, crowd my mind. The two men I had known who had done that were both dead now, and I was determined not to go the same way as them.

I had a job to do.

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